[dropcap letter="S"]top me if you’ve heard this from your barbero before: the Philippines is a nation run by women. Yep, it doesn’t take a stem-cell doctor to figure that out.

In our country, women are bar none the rulers of the house (as hen-pecked husbands merely provide for Meralco bills and tuck themselves in their man-caves to tend to their quirky hobbies). Women too are fast climbing up the grades of the corporate ladder, as more and more of them are crowned CEOs of billion-peso businesses.

In the interest of armchair sociology, bad sci-fi and an editorial rejoinder to Women’s Month, let’s take things up to eleven here. Let’s create a what-if scenario of things that could happen to us Filipinos, if, say, a biochemical weapon killed all organisms with a Y-chromosome. Think Y:The Last Man on Earth set in our beloved country—which makes it a country made up solely of Filipinas. What could happen?

 



[buffer id="bar"]8. A Shiny, Happy, Cleaner Metro Manila[/buffer]







Let’s not spray Lysol on our words here: Filipino men are total slobs, in and outside of the house. Dirtiness goes hand-in-hand with Lito Lapid-style machismo. Curse those metrosexuals and their neat freak manifestos.

You think EDSA is filthy? Blame it on the average Filipino’s cojoneses that have much testosterone to bankroll the next five sequels of 300. Spitting gobs and throwing wrappers of Storck on the sidewalks is the stuff that tunay na lalakememes are made of.

Now,without those denim-clad dudes on the streets, think of the possibilities: A squadron of mothers scrubbing our blackened city clean with an embarassment of Unilever and Procter & Gamble homecare products. Hey, women are natural germophobes, right?



 



[buffer id="bar"]7. A More Verbal (And More Interesting) Political Circus[/buffer]







How’s Miriam Defensor-Santiago for a spoiler?

Once all the golf-loving, concubine-chasing, English-challenged gentlemen scum of Batasan Pambansa assumes room temperature, who’s left? Why the women, of course.

And it goes without saying, our nation’s all-female ministry will take its route through psychological warfare andpalengkera-style debates. Convocations will more and more resemble story beatsheets of teleseryes. The country will be run by a cadre of emotional decision-makers.

And that’s not quite a bad thing. It makes for good prime time TV.



 



[buffer id="bar"]6. Mompetitions Galore[/buffer]







Raising kids is every Filipino woman’s favorite competitive sport. In the end, it’s all about whose offspring is better at Kumon math, the Suzuki Piano Method or the elimination rounds for The Voice. Well, for Filipino moms, having kids is the highest form of narcissism, after all.

And if we’re left with a population of parents comprised of one, two, three moms and a lola, then everyday living in the Philippines will be a few statutes shy of the Hunger Games.

The Chinese-Filipino commuity will definitely have an upper hand, though, what with their parliaments of dragon ladies and tiger moms.



 



[buffer id="bar"]5. A Fast Welcome of the L-Word[/buffer]







There must be a female equivalent to sausagefest. Oh right…clamfest. (Doesn’t slide off the tongue easily, but it’ll do for now.) In our little what-if scenario, with every Juan de la Cruz six feet under, the Philippines will end up being the Coachella equivalent of a clamfest.

And sooner or later (that is, if you’ve watched enough prison dramas), if there’s one too many women in a room, the dormant lesbian gene will surface.

The L-Word will no longer be taboo; it could even be obsolete. Soundbites from Ellen Page’s coming-out speech will be turned into t-shirts. Aiza Seguerra and Charisse Pempengco will have marble statues in town squares.

It will be beautiful. But without men witnessing the entire splendor, it’ll be like that Zen koan that goes: “If a tree falls in a forest, and no one is around to hear it…”



 



[buffer id="bar"]4. Less Automobiles, More Walking[/buffer]







My barber once told me that women are terrible drivers. Let alone, parallel parkers. Which, if you put some thought into, may actually be good for the Philippines post-apocalypse-wise.

Automotives being not one of the apparent gifts of the fairer set, the Filipino nation will be less dependent on the car and resort to more romantic forms of transportation, such as horse-drawn pedicabs and foldable bicycles. Or better yet, let’s just picture a nation of walkers with toned calf muscles and svelte torsos.



 



[buffer id="bar"]3. A New Artistic and Cultural Renaissance[/buffer]







There have been too many crushing standards on what a Filipino woman should be. Too many years in the convent--it’s time to bust loose.

Gone will be the standard-issue Manang Biday archetypes: the women who scrub the house clean in their floral dusters as Love Radio runs twenty-four-seven. Chuck that image out of the window.

Enter: Once-repressed Filipinas who now play speed metal guitar, recite slam poetry and direct mind-fuck Cinemalaya films. It’s going to be like Lilith Fair all over again, but bigger, girlier and more Filipina.



 



[buffer id="bar"]2. Boxing and Basketball Will Be Replaced by Prettier Sports[/buffer]







To most women I know, the two big B’s, the two most masssive sporting cultures of this island nation, is ugly-looking. It’s barbaric. Gladiatorial, at best.

To cite, it’s a mystery to most ladies why two grown men beating each other’s faces to a paste actually glues an entire country to the boob tube.

The Filipinas who are left, who favor a more graceful athlecticism, would definitely have these two sports impeached and go for more aesthetically-pleasing options as gymnastics, archery and zumba.



 



[buffer id="bar"]1. Women priests in the Catholic Church[/buffer]







It’s one of the biggest mysteries of the Catholic Church, right? Why can’t women be priests?

Before those darling Spaniards came to visit our shores and annointed us with Mexican-sounding last names, there were actually priestesses called babaylans who helmed indigenous religions.

With all the men gone, there’ll be no one else to put on the proverbial mitre. And that’s an interesting prospect.

Cue the obligatory Spice Girls song, ladies. Let’s boogie.

Wincy Aquino Ong

Wincy Aquino Ong is a writer, musician, filmmaker, actor, and comic book illustrator. His works have been published in The Philippine Star and Esquire. His horror fiction was part of Neil Gaiman's Expeditions anthology. He is best known for the indie film San Lazaro, which was released in 2011.

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