Can’t live with ’em. Can’t live without ’em. Moms, amirite? Well, with Mother’s Day coming up this Sunday, I decided to channel my traumatic childhood memories and recall some of the craziest things my mom has ever said to me.

It’s amusing to realize that when I ran this list by my other friends, they all pretty much have heard their mom say variations of all these, one way or another.
Kids say the darndest things, but moms do it all the time, too. And we absolutely love them for it!”
*Photo: Kel’s Mom with Sharon Cuneta

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The Line: Away kayo ng away! Para kayong aso’t pusa! O, eto. Tag-isa kayong kutsilyo. Magsaksakan na lang kayo!
The Crazy: The fact that nearly all the moms I know (those with, obviously, more than one child) have said this at least once boggles the mind. Is sibling rivalry so deeply ingrained in our collective consciousness that every mom would always have this line on standby? Instantly, from having a fight with your brother or sister, the spotlight shines bright on your mom, and now you have no choice but to drop your petty feud.
The Fix: You stop fighting. Like, right now.
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The Line: Anak, okay lang kahit hindi mo ako dalawin ngayon. Basta dalawin mo na lang ako sa puntod ko, ah!
The Crazy: Moms really know how to make us feel guilty, and more often than not, they are our first exposure to the concept of passive-aggressiveness. The crazy part is where my mom genuinely thought she was being subtle when she spouted this gem.
The Fix: Your mom misses you. Go visit her. Like, right now.
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The Line: O, anak, wag muna magboboyfriend/maggigirlfriend, ha? Studies ka na lang muna.
The Crazy: When moms say this, one of two things tend to happen—1) they start considering actually having a boyfriend/girlfriend because their mom brought it up at a point where they are being rebellious, or 2) it’s too late and they already have someone. Also, what if your studies aren’t affected, anyways? Where does that leave your mom’s justification?
The Fix: Depending on how lenient you think your mom would be, it is highly recommended you avoid getting into hidden relationships. It’s a headache you don’t need.
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The Line: Humberto, yang anak mo, matigas na naman ang ulo.
The Crazy: It’s like you get instantly disowned the minute you do something wrong. Your mom foists you over to your dad! It’s crazy because moms just love flipping the switch on you like that, and guess what? You are going to let them get away with it.
The Fix: If your mom is a good sport and the scolding isn’t severe yet, playfully reply, “Ma, anak mo din naman ako, ah!”
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The Line: Anak, okay lang na makipaghabulan ka, pero huwag kang tatakbo, ha?
The Crazy: Yeah. How does that even work?
The Fix: Makipaghabulan ka. Pero huwag ka tumakbo. Umm, yeah. Whatever that means.
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The Line: Manang-mana ka talaga sa tatay mong magaling!
The Crazy: Just like passive-aggressiveness, your mom is also probably your first exposure to the concept of sarcasm. She also throws in a bit of that instant disowning action in #5 while she’s at it.
The Fix: Again, if you can get away with it, playfully reply “Buti na lang magaling si Tatay!”
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The Line: Anak! May prinsipe sa Nigeria na bibigyan daw tayo ng milyun-milyon! Yayaman na tayo!
The Crazy: Why is it that all our moms love to forward every single scam, compilation of jokes, virus, malware, and Trojans they come across in their email? It’s especially heartbreaking when my mom’s eyes light up over “winning” 50 million Pounds in a lottery she never even joined, and it falls upon me to explain that it’s a scam and not at all true.
Moms are supposed to shield us from the evils of the world and not allow our wide-eyed innocence and faith in the good of humanity to be destroyed until we’re ready for it. Times like these, you almost wish you could return the favour to her.
The Fix: Teach her how to bookmark will save the both of you a lot of stress.
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The Line: Anak, mahal na mahal kita.
The Crazy: Who would have thought, that a kid who caused her unspeakable pain when she gave birth to you after carrying you around for nine months, a kid who can stress her out to no end, and completely turn her life topsy-turvy in an instant is even remotely deserving of her love and devotion, just because? That’s crazy!
And if all our moms were that crazy, wouldn’t the world be a far better place?
The Fix: Love her back, dearly, because she more than deserves it!

Kel Fabie

Kel Fabie. is a DJ, host, mentalist, satirist, comedian, and a long-time contributor to 8List (Hello, ladies!). He has an Oscar, a Pulitzer, a Nobel, and two other weirdly-named pet dogs. He blogs on

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