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[dropcap letter="B"]y now, we’ve all probably heard of Anne Curtis’s epic tirade in Privé Luxury Club last November 23, and tons of people have been making jokes and memes about it already. It’s to be expected: we all love it when someone so perfect ends up showing that hey, she’s just human, after all.

In what was probably the savviest thing to do in the face of a PR nightmare like this, Anne quickly owned up to her bad behavior and apologized profusely to everyone affected.

We here at the 8List just loooove Anne Curtis. She could totally buy us, our friends, and our entire office, if she wanted. But here are 8 things Anne Curtis, who likely pulled in around 60 million Pesos or so this year (she paid close to 20M in taxes), simply cannot buy.


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A wardrobe malfunction? Plastered all over the internet. A slip of the tongue? Trending on Twitter. A tirade in the middle of a private party in a private club? Water cooler discussion material the very next morning the story breaks. Anne Curtis, both despite and because of all her fame and fortune, simply cannot buy privacy. Not that she minds the attention that much.

However, She Can Totally Afford: To rent Smart Araneta Coliseum all to herself for an entire week to get all the privacy she needs, since it costs P300,000 per day, which translates to a mere 2.1 Million for her.

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In 1962, the Mona Lisa was insured for $100 Million. Even if we pretend inflation isn’t a thing, Anne still can’t afford it. Given that Anne Curtis is nowhere to be found in the Forbes top 50, and the guy in dead last, Manny Pangilinan, has an estimated net worth of $105 Million, it stands to reason that Anne Curtis wouldn’t have nearly that much to acquire Leonardo Da Vinci’s masterpiece.

However, She Can Totally Afford: All the classic adventures of Leonardo, Michaelangelo, Donatello, and Raphael. The 23-disc DVD Box set sells for $399.95 on Amazon.

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They say diamonds are a woman’s best friend, but this best friend doesn’t come cheap: the 59.6 carat flawless cut diamond was sold at an astounding $86 Million in Sotheby’s just last month. I’m still willing to bet that Anne Curtis won’t be able to meet that price.

However, She Can Totally Afford: SVIP Tickets to Rihanna’s “Diamonds” World Tour, since those went for P26,990 a pop. She was spotted in the audience last September, so that proves my point.

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Anne Curtis earned her way into multiple acting awards, beginning with "Baler" in 2009. She cannot buy her way into getting one of them, even if she wanted to. Just ask Lolit Solis.

However, She Can Totally Afford: A platinum record. Given that her album cost P250 when it came out (yes, we checked), and given that it takes merely 15,000 sold albums to be recognized as platinum, then it would cost her a trifle 3.75 Million Pesos to hit this milestone. Heck, if she stretched it a bit, she could go for a diamond record, which would cost her 37.5 Million. Peanuts, right?

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Anne Curtis is an actress who pays her taxes. Janet Napoles allegedly takes all of the taxes and showers it on her daughter Jeane, who hangs out with Justin Bieber. You do the math.

However, She Can Totally Afford: To book Justin Bieber for a party! At $4,000-$12,000 an hour plus airfare and distance expenses, that’s still well within her means.

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Anne Curtis probably won’t pony up $52 Million for this particular Ferrari 250 GTO, which originally cost a mere 6000 British Pounds when it was first sold. Why so expensive, you ask? Because history: it won the 1963 Tour de France, and is one of the last 33 of its kind still in existence. That is just way too much money for a car you probably won’t end up driving around much, if at all.

However, She Can Totally Afford: Who cares about a Ferrari 250 GTO when you can buy a street-legal replica of the 1989 Batmobile for a mere $500,000?!?

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While Anne Curtis can slap John Lloyd Cruz all she wants, she probably still can’t buy Unilab, the makers of Biogesic, as it is valued at $685 Million. If we ran with a ridiculously high estimate of Anne Curtis making $2 Million a year for every year she has been in showbiz (she has been active for 16 years so far), she would only have $32 Million to her name. At best, she can buy a few stocks (or not - see comments below), but certainly not even a remotely controlling interest in the company.

However, She Can Totally Afford: One banig of Biogesic, seeing as it’s only 24 pesos per tablet online. I’m pretty sure it’s even cheaper if she bought it from a drugstore. Ingat!

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After countless voice lessons and sold-out concerts, Anne Curtis still feels the need to show off some skin during her performances just to seal the deal, because her singing really leaves a lot to be desired. Watching an Anne Curtis concert is pretty similar to watching a softcore porn flick—except the porn probably has better music. Clearly, she can’t buy her way into an actual decent singing voice, unlike the villain in the Little Mermaid.

However, She Can Totally Afford: Auto Tune. The latest version goes for $399 on their official store. Clearly, that’s how she managed this passable ditty from her album.

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Kel Fabie

Kel Fabie. is a DJ, host, mentalist, satirist, comedian, and a long-time contributor to 8List (Hello, ladies!). He has an Oscar, a Pulitzer, a Nobel, and two other weirdly-named pet dogs. He blogs on mistervader.com.

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