Recently, America flew in two Americans infected with the dreaded Ebola virus. As you may be aware of, Ebola isa deadly disease that manifests itself through fever, sore throat, muscle pains, and headaches. This is then followed b vomiting, nausea, and diarrhea, and then the internal bleeding begins. It has a high mortality rate, because depending on treatment, 50% to 90% of those afflicted with Ebola don’t make it.
At least, that’s what the media would have you believe. According to people smarter than me who happen to wear tinfoil hats on the daily, there is far more to this than meets the eye. Like batshit insanity, I guess, but that’s what tinfoil hat people are all about.
8. They need a strain of the virus to study to protect the country from biological warfare.
The Disappointment: Weaponizing Ebola not onlyhas yet to happen, but is insanely dangerous to attempt. A single screwup on the part of the attackers could turn the weapon right back against them.
7. They were deep cover spies in Africa. This was how they were exfiltrated.
The Disappointment: Given the clear lack of success Kony 2012 resulted in, if these people were spies, they were pretty useless ones.
6. They went to Africa to purge any evidence that Obama was actually born in Kenya, not in America.
The Disappointment: Not only is Obama’s birth certificateright there for anyone with a pair of eyes and a modicum of common sense (And yet there are hardly any blind birther conspiracy theorists as opposed to birthers who clearly lack common sense. Hrmmmm.), it really wouldn’t change anything at this point, what with only two more years to his term remaining.
5. They actually had Elvis Presley and Michael Jackson with them. Leaving those two in Africa assures they will live the rest of their lives in total anonymity.
The Disappointment: At 79 years of age if he were still alive, it’s not like Elvis would have much in the tank left to perform for his legions of adoring fans. And if Michael Jackson’s last album before he passed on were any indication, the only time people cared about him again was when he actually died, so there’s that, too. And yeah, they’re both pretty much dead, complete withautopsypictures.
4. They are the last remaining links to incontrovertible proof of how the government faked the moon landing.
The Disappointment: If it weren’t true, so what? We’ve been farther and elsewhere by now. How is this a big deal and why should it be one?
3. They are zombies.
The Disappointment: George Bush’s government was marked by ineptitude and incompetence, and you seriously believe they magically became so well-oiled a machine to pull 9/11 off and foist it on Osama afterwards?What have you been smoking?
2. They are high-ranking members of the Illuminati.
The Disappointment: Wait. Beyonce and Jay-Z split up? That’s really disappointing.
1. They’re not Ebola patients. Say it with me, they’re…
The Disappointment: ALIENS.