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[dropcap letter="W"]e’ve waited long enough before we ran this story, because we didn’t want to distract from what needed to be done in the aftermath of Yolanda. But if we never bring this up at all, when will we ever begin to start dealing with it?

As people, we always applaud how moments of adversity can bring the best out of us. Here in the Philippines, we have been nothing but grateful as practically the whole world came together to help us help ourselves in our time of need, proving that the spirit of bayanihan does not know any cultural boundaries.

And then you have the tale of 25 people who posed as Yolanda refugees so they can steal relief goods. As sad as it sounds, there will always be people willing to ruin our faith in humanity as much as there are those who reaffirm it. And true, while people can get oversensitive at times like these, there are just some things people do that cross the line so far that nobody can mistake the act for anything else but a douchebag move.

Here are 8 things douchebags do to spoil the feel-good party for everyone as they try to fight on in the face of calamity...

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In a Nutshell: Oh, wow! A horrifying tragedy is trending on Twitter! Hey, let’s use this to promote ourselves!

When something horrible happens, all focus is rightfully on addressing the tragedy. Douchebags have an incredible knack of somehow taking something horrific and still making it about themselves.Because the world still has to revolve around them somehow, lest they stop breathing because less than a hundred people favorited their last Tweet..

Don’t Forget These Douchebags: Celeb Boutique who promoted an Aurora dress inspired by Kim Kardashian (whyyyyyy) while #Aurora was trending because of a theater shooting that killed 12 people and injured 70 others. Jamich, the YouTube “sensations” who promised to donate to charity only if we give them YouTube views. And of course, Kim Kardashian, who had a “charity” auction that gave only 10% of the proceeds to charity.

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In a Nutshell: Cool! Because a cataclysm is happening right now, nobody’s going to notice me make off with their gadgets!

Unlike what people call “looting”, this is when people steal in the middle of a calamity purely because nobody’s paying attention. That iPhone you pickpocket has no value to your survival at this point, but whatever, finders keepers, losers weepers, right?

Don’t Forget This Douchebag: The infamous “Selfie” Thief, who stole a relief center volunteer’s phone and wallet, then unwittingly uploaded selfies to the internet, for the whole world to see. He then had the spectacular nerve to claim that he just “found” the phone and had every intention of giving it back. What? Were the selfies just a souvenir of his kind heart?

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In a Nutshell: Because you people are sinful, God will punish you. God bless!

How many religious zealots act like God’s spokesperson, and tell us that the reason for thousands of people suffering right now is because of some failure of character attributed to them. It’s like nobody read the book of Job or something. Is the God you believe in a loving one, or a vengeful one? You can’t keep switching answers to that just because it suits your narrative.

Don’t Forget These Douchebags: These clueless people who blamed last year’s Habagat when Congress successfully voted to end debates on the RH Bill. Clearly, for these misguided folk, the only appropriate response to a law that supposedly violates the sanctity of life is by vengefully taking as many lives as possible. That’s about as logical as murdering a doctor who practices abortion.

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In a Nutshell: This tragedy befalls us because of the gays! How dare they demand equal rights? Ayan tuloy, umulan.

A surprisingly huge subset of religious attribution, gay people seems to be the go-to reason for hurricanes among preachers abroad. Despite the fact that gay marriage does not force anyone who’s straight to get married to gay people, it somehow “destroys” the family. Despite the fact that homosexuals are statistically proven to be no good at doing rain dances, any big typhoon is still apparently their fault, as far as religious extremists are concerned. Why can’t we have more even-handed religious people like this guy?

Don’t Forget These Douchebags: This handy list, which features very familiar names like 700 Club’s Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell has them pinning everything from Hurricane Katrina to 9/11 on homosexuality. There’s also Jim Solouki, who pinned Yolanda precisely on the Philippines being tolerant of homosexuality.

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In a Nutshell: You’re suffering right now? Serves you right.

Douchebags know they will get a rise out of people if they kick them while they’re down. There will always be a bunch of those, and whether they’re racist, or classist, or just plain trolling, they are pretty much the brown highway in the underwear of life.

Don’t Forget The Douchebags: Who point and laugh at people while they are suffering. Whoever was behind the fake Yubin account at the height of 2009’s Ondoy, for example, called Filipinos “monkeys” and hoped that more rain would drown us all. While I tend to brush off most Pinoy Outrage-inducing moments quite easily, the utter insensitivity of comments like those cannot be ignored.

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In a Nutshell: I’m going to make a joke about this latest calamity on Twitter while hiding behind a fake name. Because I’m so brave and edgy like that!

As someone who does standup comedy, I tend to have my share of “too soon” jokes, but that’s also because I know my audience. One thing I would never do, though, is to put my “too soon” joke on Twitter for everyone to see, because I fully recognize I cannot deal with the fallout of that. Not everybody is as prudent, though.

Don’t Forget These Douchebags: A whole bunch of anonymous folk made jokes about the Boston Marathon bombing. Talk about crossing the line!

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In a Nutshell: What a cataclysmic event! The tiny voices in my head are telling me the Illuminati and the Freemasons are behind this natural disaster somehow!

Conspiracy nutjobs refuse to believe that a typhoon is just a typhoon. There just had to be something sinister going down behind the scenes, and they, in their infinite amount of knowledge, had been privy to sensitive information even before any of this happened. Of course, they always say they had prior knowledge after the tragedy happened, but why let the facts get in the way of a cool story?

Don’t Forget These Douchebags: The 9/11 Truthers, who still insist 12 years later that the World Trade Center attacks were an inside job by the US Government. Also, this asinine fellow who insists that Yolanda was caused by microwave pulses, supposedly perpetrated by our government. Y’know, the government everyone accuses of incompetence? Suddenly, they’re hyper-competent enough to both create this amazingly advanced technology and keep it a secret from us?!?

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In a Nutshell: What a tragedy! I need to remind people I’m helping them in their time of need so they will vote for me in a few years!

Whether it be calling for a Senate inquiry “in aid of legislation” on the latest problem everyone’s talking about, or using the most recent natural disaster as a chance to deliver campaign materials snuck in between relief goods, these douchebags are the worst of the worst. They’re already donating and every bit counts, so imagine this: how much do you think it costs to have your picture printed out en masse on your donations? Donations you purchased via our taxes, might I add? And did you spend our taxes to put your face on these donations, too? Wow. Just GDIAF.

Don’t Forget These Douchebags: The Bohol mayor who, after the earthquake, insisted the Red Cross turn over donations to him.This very high-ranking politician whose “friends” put his name on relief goods, then sends text messages to all of us about it. And of course, this aspiring future first lady who made sure nobody would forget who gave them their new footwear.

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What are your favorite douchebag moments? How do you think we can keep these from happening all too much? Share your reactions and ideas in the Comments Section.
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Kel Fabie

Kel Fabie. is a DJ, host, mentalist, satirist, comedian, and a long-time contributor to 8List (Hello, ladies!). He has an Oscar, a Pulitzer, a Nobel, and two other weirdly-named pet dogs. He blogs on mistervader.com.

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