The fruitcake is a holiday tradition brought on by inertia. You get a fruitcake from someone, you look at it wistfully, then you rewrap it and give it as a present to someone else for next Christmas. This goes on and on and on.

As I was wrapping the 15th fruitcake I have ever received in my life to give away to someone else, a horrifying thought hit me right then and there: I have never seen more than one fruitcake at the same place and at the same time. And after doing some thorough investigative journalism, I have come to this very disturbing conclusion: in the history of the world, there most likely has only been one fruit cake, going round the world all these centuries.

I present to you 8 pieces of evidence…

8. Fruitcakes originated from Egypt

Fruitcakes were special to ancient Egyptians because they were meant to be food to be taken by the departed in their afterlife. Like any self-respecting person, we’d rather die before we eat another slice of fruitcake, too. Now, if fruitcakes came from Egypt, why is it that none of them were found when archaeologists uncovered ancient Egyptian tombs? This could only mean that the original fruitcake was stolen by a tomb raider, and thus, a Christmas tradition was born.

7. No matter the fruitcake recipe, everyone hates it.

We’ve seen countless recipes for fruitcake, yet this food is still universally reviled. What gives? There’s only one logical explanation: there is only one terrible fruitcake out there in the world, and each year, someone mixes in a few new ingredients in an attempt to make it attractive to the next person it will be given away to, all to no avail.

6. When was the last time anyone finished a fruitcake?

Admit it: at most, you would take one slice, then you rewrap it and give it away to someone else.This is why as the years go by, the fruitcake looks smaller and smaller. True story!

5. The liquor in the fruitcake is never potent enough.

Nobody sane gets drunk from fruitcake. This is because the liquor’s spirit has already faded out over time, and this is the very same kind of formulation they use for San Mig Zero.

4. A popular fruitcake bakery is charged with fraud.

You know what this means, right? There is only one original fruitcake, and anything else going around is considered counterfeit–and the authorities are going out of their way to prevent this from happening.

3. Exactly how many fruits are there in a fruitcake?

When we say “fruit salad,” we know there are apples, pineapples, cherries, grapes, maybe even peaches there. But go on, do tell me: what fruits are there exactly in a fruitcake? That’s right: the fruits were removed long ago precisely because those go bad, while every other ingredient remaining lasts forever.

2. The members of the duo “Fruitcake” still look exactly the same – since 1998.

Their song, “Whoops Kirri,” was made popular once again by Vice Ganda. Clearly, just like the actual food, there is only one Fruitcake still going around.

1. The Eraserheads sing about only one (count ‘em!) one Fruitcake.

“There’s a fruitcake, for everybody. There’s a fruitcake for everyone.” Your honor, I rest my case!

Do you love fruitcake and hate this list because of that? Or do you actually agree? Share your reactions in the Comments Section below.

Kel Fabie

Kel Fabie. is a DJ, host, mentalist, satirist, comedian, and a long-time contributor to 8List (Hello, ladies!). He has an Oscar, a Pulitzer, a Nobel, and two other weirdly-named pet dogs. He blogs on mistervader.com.

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