Kris Aquino has declared that she has not been having sex and that’s the reason why, among many other good things happening in her life, her movie with her son James “Bimby” Aquino Yap, “My Little Bossings,” was the top-grosser in the Metro Manila Film Festival.
We had to investigate this phenomenon. Although we do not personally believe that what she does or does not do in her bedroom should be held against her in any way, we do want to investigate her claim that her celibacy has contributed to her recent good fortune and, if possible, maybe good fortune for the entire universe as well?
While Ms. Aquino has indicated no clear timeline from when she stopped playing “hide the salami,” it is very clear that it would take some time for her celibacy to somehow have an effect. It was up to our investigative powers to determine what that timeline is.
Here’s what we know: True, her marriage was officially annulled in February 2012, but notwithstanding an attempt at a reconciliation with the cager that resulted in her “quitting” showbiz in March last year, there were also rumors of her dating either Jun Jun “Kilala Mo Ba Ako” Binay or Coco “Yami” Martin persisting all the way until May 2013 and October 2013, respectively.
Ergo, the safest time to assume the start of her extended period of abstinence would have to be around October, as well.
So, since October 2013, here are some of the mind-blowingly good things that, we humbly extrapolate, have happened since Kris Aquino most likely stopped having sex.
8. Pinoy wins 3rd place in Australian Solar Car Race
Sikat II-A, a solar car created by students from De La Salle University, cruised to an easy third place finish in Australia last October 15, but could it be possible that it wasn’t fueled entirely by solar power alone? Perhaps, Kris Aquino’s unstormable trenches of celibacy has proven itself to be a universal and all-inclusive fuel source? After all, Kris is an Atenean.
7. After two years since his last win, Manny Pacquiao defeats Brandon Rios via unanimous decision.
Manny Pacquiao suffered consecutive losses at the hands of Timothy Bradley and Juan Manuel Marquez before finally scoring a victory over American fighter, Brandon Rios last November.
His tax issues are unfortunate but Kris Aquino’s possible universe-altering powers due to avoiding the four-legged frolic could only go so far.
6. The 1960’s Batman TV series is finally available on video!
Holy celibacy, Batman! After decades of licensing issues, Warner Bros Home Video finally makes the show that put Adam West and Burt Ward on the map available for purchase! Batman fans everywhere, rejoice!
If you ever wanted to sing along to “Nanananananananana Batman” on DVD, you could possibly owe everything to Kris Aquino’s momentous decision to no longer make the beast with two backs on a regular basis.
5. Snapchat explodes in the world’s consciousness after rejecting a $3B offer from Mark Zuckerberg: co-founder is Filipino.
In November, Snapchat, which has slowly gained fame as the hottest private messaging app in the United States, ended up in the news because they rejected a buyout offer from Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg, to the tune of $3 Biliion.
Guess what? Bobby Murphy, co-founder of Snapchat, is Filipino, and he could very well owe all his success to Kris Aquino losing all desire to tumble in the hay.
4. Philippine GDP is pegged at 7.0% in 2014.
The economy has never been better, to the point that world debt watcher Fitch Ratings raised its projections for the country’s GDP from 6.2% to 7.0% this year.
And all because Kris Aquino has not been glazing the doughnut, we wonder?
3. Rose Fostanes wins X-Factor Israel!
Surely, the fact that Kris Aquino hasn’t fixed her plumbing in months has everything to do with Rose Fostanes winning over Israel’s hearts and ears in X-Factor Israel just this week.
Talent? It may have been a factor, but it could have not mattered anymore by the time Kris Aquino stopped feeding the kitty. You might even say that Rose Fostanes’ talent is now merely… an eX-factor (Yeeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!)
2. This year, there were zero casualties in the Black Nazarene procession.
Unlike in previous years, like 2012’s 76 and 2010’s two casualties, this year’s procession was declared as “generally peaceful.”
This may very well not have been possible if Kris Aquino were still churning the butter.
1. Since October, despite an annual high, HIV and other STD cases have been going down.
October was at an all-time high for reported HIV cases, with 500 in that month alone. But remember, this was only the month when Kris Aquino likely stopped threading the needle.
Miracles don’t happen overnight. Come November, the cases dropped down to 384. While the stats for December are not yet officially in, early reports are pegging them at even lower numbers.
Merely a happy coincidence? We think not. It could be that Kris Aquino’s moratorium on the mattress mambo had something to do with it. Cosmically, of course (as opposed to directly, we would never imply something as crass as that, would we? Would we?).What do you think about Kris Aquino’s sex life? Or the lack therof? Don’t be shy. Share your thoughts in the Comments.