Show of hands: which of you reading this right now remembers the self-proclaimed Celebrity Rock Diva and Split Queen, Mystica? Okay, great. Now put your hands down, because it’s not like I can see any of you raising your hands right now (except you, Rico. I see you).
For the many people who do remember Mystica, they probably recall her for her music, her dancing, or for her long-running feud with Madame Auring. Some of you may even remember from recent news that she actually got married to a 23-year old. No word whether or not he still needs rubber shoes or tuition, but let’s wish them well on that count.
At no point did anyone ever discover that aside from these amazing talents and life progress, Mystica has long been hiding thespian abilities that would make even Meryl Streep look like Megan Fox in comparison. In her latest 7-hour (yep) epic “Querido,” Mystica tackles issues you never expected her to ever take on: adultery and fornication.
This movie will change your life, and if the 15-minute trailer (yep) were any indication, it absolutely deserves Star Awards, Gawad Urians, MMFF Awards, CMMA Trophies, KBP Golden Doves, and maybe even a few Nobel Peace Prizes for good measure.*
Here are 8 pieces of indisputable proof why this movie is, without a doubt, the most amazing thing ever…
*No approved therapeutic claims.

8. It’s seven hours long, and Mystica did practically everything.

I don’t think we’ve emphasized this enough yet, but this movie lasts a mind-blowing seven hours, and Mystica put the entire film together herself, as she wrote, produced, documented, directed, and edited the entire thing. Prior to being dethroned by “Avatar,” the top-grossing film of all time was “Titanic,” and that had a running time of three and a half hours. “Avatar,” on the other hand, clocked in at just nearly three hours.
While this doesn’t mean that “Querido” will make nearly as much money as Titanic or Avatar (it won’t, since they made it to be available on YouTube for free), it’s still easy to see that “Querido” is twice the film Titanic can ever hope to be. Literally.

7. The trailer, despite being 15 minutes long, does not cover everything you need to know about the film.

We always complain about Pinoy movie trailers giving away the entire film in their trailer alone. You would be surprised to know that despite being fifteen minutes long, the trailer for “Querido” does not cover every key plot point of the film. It is merely a very tiny glimpse into the seven-hour instant classic that you need to watch in its entirety to fully appreciate. The trailer simply doesn’t do justice to this cinematic achievement.
But hey, at least, we get to find out within the first four minutes of the trailer that the Mystic Champs is a thing.

6. This film will save our rainforests.

The acting is so wooden, I’m sure it could aid immensely in reforestation efforts for the Amazon! If the women aren’t naked and the men aren’t macho dancing (and naked), you can definitely expect nothing but grade-A ham and cheese from everyone’s performances.

5. There are overt easter eggs, and yes, assorted moral-of-the-story type bits, scattered throughout the film.

You might mistakenly believe that “Querido” is just some brainless piece of fluff that came out of Mystica’s demented mind, but you would be sorely mistaken.”Querido” is some brainless piece of fluff that came out of Mystica’s demented mind, but filled with hidden messages. In fact, the messages were so hidden, Mystica needed to take the time out to explain these messages in a 12-minute video, (YEP) apart from the rest of the movie.
This movie may be seven hours long (and I really can’t emphasize that enough), but it is merely a synecdoche of our lives, representing that no matter how long life may seem, in reality, when viewed with perspective, life is very short. It’s a quandary, really: if life is so short, why is it that if we live only for the moment, we end up not truly achieving anything because we had a shallow existence? This is the ultimate paradox of life. A paradox masterfully brought to light by “Querido.”

4. John Woo would eat his heart out.

I have never seen a more stupendous example of fight choreography than this: Mystica gets involved in an epic skirmish with a bunch of goons, and in the middle of the fight that she is handling pretty damned well on her own, just  before the numbers game finally catches up with her, Mystica’s leading man busts right in and lends her a hand. You can’t tell me that isn’t one of the most kickass moments in the history of Philippine cinema. Ever.
I’m sure Erwin Tulfo himself, who makes a cameo in this film, will question his own badassedness when he sees how intense this action is. John Woo will wish he got the chance to choreograph this shit.

3. The smoothest transitions ever.

Almost right after the fight scene was over and done with, Mystica starts attacking her man(!), who then proceeds to take her down and roll around the ground with her, ready to transition right to their love scene, while the erstwhile goons applaud them, since it turns out they’re Mystica’s martial arts training buddies. It’s that kind of seamless transition from the rush of adrenaline to the throes of passion that draws comparisons between “Querido” and the pivotal sequence in “Watchmen,” where Silk Spectre and Nite Owl get it on immediately after beating up some bad guys.

2. Spicy. Facebook.

This movie features the acting debut of someone named Spicy Facebook. Your argument is invalid.

1. This movie can save your soul.

Do you think that Mystica would just create this seven-hour masterpiece merely as an excuse to take off her clothes and pretend she has a modicum of acting talent? Of course not! She made this film with a vision and a mission in mind: she wanted to preach to us.
Indeed, Mystica implores us to recognize that “there’s always gonna be a second level of our lives.” That second level? Recognizing that we are all sinners and can only be saved by Jesus Christ.
Clearly, after spending over a quarter of a day watching Mystica disrobe and make out with macho dancers in the middle of action scenes and actual recordings of practically every single TV guesting Mystica has ever had, you really need some salvation in your life.
But if you don’t, there’s always Spicy fcking Facebook.
We’re not even going to…ugh just put your reactions in the Comments Section.

Kel Fabie

Kel Fabie. is a DJ, host, mentalist, satirist, comedian, and a long-time contributor to 8List (Hello, ladies!). He has an Oscar, a Pulitzer, a Nobel, and two other weirdly-named pet dogs. He blogs on

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