ver since Rico quit over being subjected to Genelyn Sandaga a second time (Here was the first time.), I took it upon myself to trawl the foulest depths of YouTube for the best of the worst videos you can never, ever unsee. Initially, I considered making just any old list about hilaribad music videos, but after realizing Cracked already beat me to Riskay and Tay Allyn, I decided to look at local videos instead, to make sure I’m not retreading covered ground.
And no, sorry, you won’t get a second helping of Jerome Smyle or Nick Dreamer: we’re going for professionally-produced music videos here, that for some reason, still managed to end up being as unintentionally hilarious as… HEADER COPY
The Video: Sandara Park, in all her pre-2NE1 glory, singing and dancing while barely in tune to a very haphazard re-enactment of her Star Circle Quest stint.
The Hilarity: The overtly psychedelic video with the frenetic cuts and barely-there choreography makes you worry if you’d have a seizure halfway through the video. It’s saccharine to a fault, but you can’t help but smile at how earnest Dara (Sandy at the time) is about the whole thing. The English translation in the embedded video definitely adds to the experience, too.
Hey, It Could Be Worse: Imagine an alternate universe if the video had been really, really good. Dara would still have a career strictly in the Philippines, which means she’d never have ended up in 2NE1 – or felt the urge to pose for UNO, for that matter. The One That Could Have Existed Only in the ‘90s.
The Video: Nexxus, a ‘90s boyband, performing in the ‘90s. So, so, very ‘90s.
The Hilarity: Have we mentioned just yet exactly how ‘90s this video is? A generous abuse of fade-in and fade-out transitions, silhouettes, members of the group singing in a line formation taken from an angle, mullets, puffy polo shirts with sleeves half-rolled up, and heartfelt, eyes-closed singing that would make Michael Bolton proud? Nexxus may have made one of the most popular songs ever, but there’s a reason why they stuck Maja Salvador in One More Chance to cover the song.
Hey, It Could Be Worse: They could have been in One More Chance instead of Maja. That could almost work, too: the lead singer has nearly the same hairstyle as Bea Alonzo. The One That Used Every Single One of Their Artist’s Facial Expressions (Because She Had Only One)
The Video: Gretchen Barreto. Singing. OH, LORDY, PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!
The Hilarity: Let’s do a checklist of solo female ballad music video cliché’s and see if La Greta hit any of them. Wistful staring outside a curtained window? Check. Hunky male clearly half the singer’s age as the love interest? Check. Never once looking said male love interest in the eye throughout the video? Check. Awkward close shots of the singer trying her damnedest to emote, a single tear streaming down her cheek while scowling really hard to simulate crying while still not looking at her supposed love interest in the eye even once? Check, check, and check.
Hey, It Could Be Worse: You could have been one of the (allegedly) hundreds of thousands of people who actually paid money to make Gretchen’s debut album go platinum. The One That Was Probably Entitled “Ayoko Na Sana (Mag-Shoot Ng Music Video)”
The Video: Piolo Pascual. Running. And Singing. That’s it.
The Hilarity: First of all, this song is so ridiculously a karaoke version of Ariel Rivera’s original that you even wonder why Piolo bothered covering it at all. Outside of a noticeable drop in voice quality, there are zero appreciable differences between the original and this remake.
Secondly, is Piolo’s schedule so busy that he can manage to find time to shoot his music video only in the middle of his morning run?
Hey, It Could Be Worse: Imagine if he found time to shoot the video only while in the gym. Oh, wait. That might not be so bad after all for his female fanbase. The One Filled to the (b)Rim With Unfortunate Implications
The Video: The Masculados were never known for their deep lyrics or introspective choreography, so it’s good to see them back in action, this time with the world-famous Cebu Dancing Inmates.
The Hilarity: Let’s see. Six pretty boys are in a prison complex. They are surrounded by, real, hardened criminals (Wait, that didn’t come out right.). There’s no soap-dropping way this could possibly go wrong, right? It also doesn’t help that their choreography is so predictable, Hagibis did it four decades ago.
Hey, It Could Be Worse: They could have picked a children’s party for their setting. And danced exactly the same way. . The Video That Makes You Wonder If There Is a God, and If There Is, Why Does He Hate You So Much?
The Video: It’s Chicser. These guys make 1:43 look like Chopin. I rest my case.
The Hilarity: Aside from the horrible pun-laden lyrics of the song, the video has been bashed non-stop by Pinoy One Direction fans for supposedly ripping off 1D’s choreography. Apparently, Harry Styles and company have dibs on putting their arms around each other while swaying awkwardly, and jumping on trampolines.
Hey, It Could Be Worse: You could be watching them sing live. HEADER COPY The One Done By People Who Decided that “The More You Ignore Me, the Closer I Get” is the Most Romantic Song Ever
The Video: Like any typical band music video, you can see Segatron playing their song (on a rooftop, naturally) while a story plays out in between shots of the band. It’s pretty run-of-the-mill except for the part where…
The Hilarity: …the part where they decide to creep the living daylights out of anyone watching the video. The lead character of the video spends his entire day lugging around a life-sized standee of Alodia everywhere he went: feeding her, dressing her up, playing video games with her, and I don’t even want to know what else. Clearly, Myx wasn’t going to allow Segatron to use their first prop choice, which was most likely a blow-up doll.
If you didn’t think Alodia was the epitome of method acting prior to this video, you would believe she was so the moment she met the lead character near the end of the video, as he still happily clutched her standee to his side. You will notice that there wasn’t the faintest hint of terror or fear for her life in Alodia’s eyes while this actually happened.
Hey, It Could Be Worse: Segatron could have decided to sing a song about you. And they will sing it to you. Every single night. Then they will watch you sleep. Forever. The One That Makes You Wonder if the Producer of This Video Just Needed an Excuse to Meet-And-Greet the Artist
The Video: We opened this list with a Park, and now, we’re closing it with a Park. Jinri Park (No relation to Sandara, last we checked.) surprises us all by giving us an educational music video about exactly where the money you pay for your electric bill actually goes to.
The Hilarity: Someone had the brilliant idea of equating percentages of Jinri’s clothing to percentages in your bill. In the middle of the heavy autotune, unmistakably Korean-ish choreography, and multiple Jinri Parks dancing around, the ill-advised metaphor-for-electric-bills-by-way-of-striptease just kept going and going. After all of that, “Bi-bi-bi-bi-bills” ends up stuck in your head for the next couple of days. Say what you want about Jinri Park, but she made this video unforgettable. Unforgettable, I say.
Hey, It Could Be Worse: The video could have been two minutes longer, and at the rate Jinri was going, YouTube would have had no choice but to take it down. Our lives would then be incomplete because “Feel The Spark” would cease to exist on the interwebs.