Let’s start this off by heading you off at the pass: the US FDA pretty much believes that aphrodisiacs simply do not exist. No ifs or buts: the prevailing wisdom is that aphrodisiacs are, for the most part, just placebos at best.
That, unfortunately, has never stopped people from trying reaaaallly hard to find the sex-inducing version of the Acai Berry (which, like most touted “superfoods,” is probably overrated, too), which should come as a surprise to no one ever. Here are some of the stranger selections out there...
8 Butternut Squash (Loving You)
The Claim: It looks like the male genitalia, so it must be an aphrodisiac! (Ed's note: here's what butternut squash actually looks like. Ignore photo above. How did that even get there?)
The Reality: The only way this fruit that looks like an, ahem, spunk viper could possibly function as an aphrodisiac is if it were used as a makeshift one.
7 Japanese Fugu
The Claim: Nothing says “increasing libido” quite like risking a horrific, agonizing death by poisoning.
The Reality: Nothing says “risking a horrific, agonizing death by poisoning” quite like risking a horrific, agonizing death by poisoning.
6 Baboon Urine
The Claim: So primal! So powerful! Surely, drinking this with some beer will increase your virility! For Zimbabwe women, it is even believed to ensure faithfulness from their husbands if they lace themselves with it.
The Reality: So acidic! So bacteria-filled! While what people do in their own bedroom should be their own business, they should at least be aware that the scent or taste of monkey piss doesn’t exactly universally get people’s engines going—much less have any magical properties whatsoever.
5 Soup #5
The Claim: Bull’s testicles. Everyone knows bulls are every bit as unstoppable as Kris Aquino in front of a live mic. Surely, drinking all that up would make you more aggressive and a rampaging beast in the bedroom, right?
The Reality: If this were truly that effective, wouldn’t we have readily available cup noodles in Soup #5 flavor by now? After all, cup noodles already make some men pretty aggressive as is.
4 The Spanish Fly
The Claim: Slip this in her drink, and watch her body heat go right up! Soon, she’ll be all over you, and want you so bad, she would beg to have you right there and then. Of course, your favorite Starbucks branch might not like this development, but…
The Reality: Slip this in her drink, and watch her gain a urinary tract infection! It’s every bit as sleazy and skeezy as using ruffies, with the added bonus that she will be very much conscious enough to turn you in to the police—or call on six other friends to tie you with duct tape in her condo. Whichever works.
3 Tiger Penis
The Claim: To quote standup comedian GB Labrador: Tiger penis. You put it in tea. Good for lovemaking!
The Reality: Also to quote standup comedian GB Labrador: Chinese people are brave. They see a tiger, they see something to put into their tea. We Filipinos see a tiger, we run.
The Claim: Pampalakas ng tuhod! Balut, a delicacy which Filipinos traditionally attempt to feed to visiting foreigners for the lulz, supposedly increases one’s stamina to go more rounds in the bedroom than they normally can.
The Reality: Pampataas ng presyon! Balut, a delicacy which contains over 600mg of cholesterol (the daily recommended limit is 300), no doubt contributing to the fact that since 2012, 5 out of 10 deaths in the Philippines is cardiovascular-related.
1 Makahiya Herbal Tea
The Claim: An herbal tea based on the most natural of ingredients. The makahiya can keep your man standing at attention for hours on end, like a safer, less expensive version of Viagra!
The Reality: I’m sure this aphrodisiac works just as well as any aphrodisiac based on a plant that shrivels the moment you touch it. You might want to rethink that for a moment.
What was the weirdest aphrodisiac you’ve ever heard of? Do you think they’re worth the placebo effect? Use a fake name and then let's discuss in the Comments Section.