Let’s start this off by heading you off at the pass: the US FDA pretty much believes that aphrodisiacs simply do not exist. No ifs or buts: the prevailing wisdom is that aphrodisiacs are, for the most part, just placebos at best.
That, unfortunately, has never stopped people from trying reaaaallly hard to find the sex-inducing version of the Acai Berry (which, like most touted “superfoods,” is probably overrated, too), which should come as a surprise to no one ever. Here are some of the stranger selections out there…
8 Butternut Squash (Loving You)
The Claim: It looks like the male genitalia, so it must be an aphrodisiac! (Ed’s note: here’s what butternut squash actually looks like. Ignore photo above. How did that even get there?)
The Reality: The only way this fruit that looks like an, ahem, spunk viper could possibly function as an aphrodisiac is if it were used as a makeshift one.
7 Japanese Fugu
The Reality: Nothing says “risking a horrific, agonizing death by poisoning” quite like risking a horrific, agonizing death by poisoning.
6 Baboon Urine
The Reality: So acidic! So bacteria-filled! While what people do in their own bedroom should be their own business, they should at least be aware that the scent or taste of monkey piss doesn’t exactly universally get people’s engines going—much less have any magical properties whatsoever.
5 Soup #5
The Reality: If this were truly that effective, wouldn’t we have readily available cup noodles in Soup #5 flavor by now? After all, cup noodles already make some men pretty aggressive as is.
4 The Spanish Fly
The Reality: Slip this in her drink, and watch her gain a urinary tract infection! It’s every bit as sleazy and skeezy as using ruffies, with the added bonus that she will be very much conscious enough to turn you in to the police—or call on six other friends to tie you with duct tape in her condo. Whichever works.
3 Tiger Penis
The Reality: Also to quote standup comedian GB Labrador: Chinese people are brave. They see a tiger, they see something to put into their tea. We Filipinos see a tiger, we run.
The Reality: Pampataas ng presyon! Balut, a delicacy which contains over 600mg of cholesterol (the daily recommended limit is 300), no doubt contributing to the fact that since 2012, 5 out of 10 deaths in the Philippines is cardiovascular-related.
1 Makahiya Herbal Tea
The Reality: I’m sure this aphrodisiac works just as well as any aphrodisiac based on a plant that shrivels the moment you touch it. You might want to rethink that for a moment.What was the weirdest aphrodisiac you’ve ever heard of? Do you think they’re worth the placebo effect? Use a fake name and then let’s discuss in the Comments Section.