Stop me if you’ve heard this from your barbero before: the Philippines is a nation run by women. Yep, it doesn’t take a stem-cell doctor to figure that out.
In our country, women are bar none the rulers of the house (as hen-pecked husbands merely provide for Meralco bills and tuck themselves in their man-caves to tend to their quirky hobbies). Women too are fast climbing up the grades of the corporate ladder, as more and more of them are crowned CEOs of billion-peso businesses.
In the interest of armchair sociology, bad sci-fi and an editorial rejoinder to Women’s Month, let’s take things up to eleven here. Let’s create a what-if scenario of things that could happen to us Filipinos, if, say, a biochemical weapon killed all organisms with a Y-chromosome. Think Y:The Last Man on Earth set in our beloved country—which makes it a country made up solely of Filipinas. What could happen?
8. A Shiny, Happy, Cleaner Metro Manila
You think EDSA is filthy? Blame it on the average Filipino’s cojoneses that have much testosterone to bankroll the next five sequels of 300. Spitting gobs and throwing wrappers of Storck on the sidewalks is the stuff that tunay na lalakememes are made of.
Now,without those denim-clad dudes on the streets, think of the possibilities: A squadron of mothers scrubbing our blackened city clean with an embarassment of Unilever and Procter & Gamble homecare products. Hey, women are natural germophobes, right?
7. A More Verbal (And More Interesting) Political Circus
Once all the golf-loving, concubine-chasing, English-challenged gentlemen scum of Batasan Pambansa assumes room temperature, who’s left? Why the women, of course.
And it goes without saying, our nation’s all-female ministry will take its route through psychological warfare andpalengkera-style debates. Convocations will more and more resemble story beatsheets of teleseryes. The country will be run by a cadre of emotional decision-makers.
And that’s not quite a bad thing. It makes for good prime time TV.
6. Mompetitions Galore
And if we’re left with a population of parents comprised of one, two, three moms and a lola, then everyday living in the Philippines will be a few statutes shy of the Hunger Games.
The Chinese-Filipino commuity will definitely have an upper hand, though, what with their parliaments of dragon ladies and tiger moms.
5. A Fast Welcome of the L-Word
And sooner or later (that is, if you’ve watched enough prison dramas), if there’s one too many women in a room, the dormant lesbian gene will surface.
The L-Word will no longer be taboo; it could even be obsolete. Soundbites from Ellen Page’s coming-out speech will be turned into t-shirts. Aiza Seguerra and Charisse Pempengco will have marble statues in town squares.
It will be beautiful. But without men witnessing the entire splendor, it’ll be like that Zen koan that goes: “If a tree falls in a forest, and no one is around to hear it…”
4. Less Automobiles, More Walking
Automotives being not one of the apparent.jpgts of the fairer set, the Filipino nation will be less dependent on the car and resort to more romantic forms of transportation, such as horse-drawn pedicabs and foldable bicycles. Or better yet, let’s just picture a nation of walkers with toned calf muscles and svelte torsos.
3. A New Artistic and Cultural Renaissance
Gone will be the standard-issue Manang Biday archetypes: the women who scrub the house clean in their floral dusters as Love Radio runs twenty-four-seven. Chuck that image out of the window.
Enter: Once-repressed Filipinas who now play speed metal guitar, recite slam poetry and direct mind-fuck Cinemalaya films. It’s going to be like Lilith Fair all over again, but bigger, girlier and more Filipina.
2. Boxing and Basketball Will Be Replaced by Prettier Sports
To cite, it’s a mystery to most ladies why two grown men beating each other’s faces to a paste actually glues an entire country to the boob tube.
The Filipinas who are left, who favor a more graceful athlecticism, would definitely have these two sports impeached and go for more aesthetically-pleasing options as gymnastics, archery and zumba.
1. Women priests in the Catholic Church
Before those darling Spaniards came to visit our shores and annointed us with Mexican-sounding last names, there were actually priestesses called babaylans who helmed indigenous religions.
With all the men gone, there’ll be no one else to put on the proverbial mitre. And that’s an interesting prospect.
Cue the obligatory Spice Girls song, ladies. Let’s boogie.