Wait, don’t go. There’s a reason why you clicked on this article and it’s not because you hate children and laughter. Like me, you’ve attended way too many office parties and awkward family reunions to believe the hype: Christmas isn’t all about bringing joy to the world and goodwill to mankind. Santa Claus isn’t real, your dad ate those cookies, and there’s a reason the mistletoe doesn’t work (it’s made of plastic). Why do you even have that? I’ll tell you why. Because sometimes the holidays just suck and here are a couple more reasons why:
Why do you have a mistletoe? Because the holidays said so. Actually, it’s because September rolled in and your jolly officemate had already exchanged his usual yellow post-its with red and green ones. He also has a tiny Christmas tree with a star that lights up at exactly 8AM in the corner of his cubicle . Oh and his ringtone? It’s “Joy to the World.” And what do you have? Does the red lipstick stain on your coffee mug count? No. So you buy the least distracting decoration in the department store and grow suspicious when officemates start asking about your personal life because HOLY CRAP you just bought a mistletoe.
As if decorating early wasn’t enough, these days it also seems you’re required to have the latest Holiday accessory, AKA the Holiday Planner. Because it’s not enough that you’re having coffee four times a week to keep up with your deadlines, now you have to have eight. Why? FOR THAT GODDAMN PLANNER.
The holidays is also the time when the entire universe conspires to make you fat. Okay, maybe that’s not entirely accurate, but it certainly feels so. People will always give you food. Never mind that you worked hard to resist pairing that coffee with a cinnamon roll or that you finally reached your weight goal last week, people will give you food and it will always be the fatty kind. But would you dare decline? Of course not! Because on holidays…
It’s a cycle, really. You can’t say no to overtime because your boss can’t say no to his kid who can’t say no to her teacher who can’t say no the principal who can’t say “No, we are not staging the Nativity play this year.” There’s a reason why the streets are perpetually clogged during the entire holiday season, everyone has to say yes to honor the Christmas spirit. Even (believe it or not) cab drivers.
But if you really want to see the true spirit of Christmas, look no further than your very own drunk uncle. Or aunt. Basically anyone who makes family reunions really uncomfortable and hella awkward. You know, the kind that asks about why you look sad or how you’ll end up alone or tries to set you up with that guy who turns out to be your third cousin? Yes, THAT relative.
More like this:
Then again, maybe it’s not your uncle’s fault for being too blunt. Maybe it’s the spiked eggnog or maybe it’s the Holidays. But really, I think we can all blame “Love Actually” for making people think Christmas is the best time to be honest. It’s not. The best time to tell the truth is exactly the time when you first thought about saying it. You don’t say I love you or I’m sorry after two days, one week, or six months. You say it when you can and as soon as you can because overtime circumstances change and people will, too. The holidays may seem like one giant sign to finally come clean or maybe even have the courage to say what you want, but in truth signs will always be there when you’re looking for them. And in this case? Green doesn’t always mean go and red doesn’t always mean stop.
Speaking of family reunions, that’s also the time when you realize just how many nephews and nieces you have. Whoever made the rule where you can’t say no to being someone’s ninong or ninang must have been a millionaire. Seriously. Because even if you haven’t spent all your money on decorations, coffee, or a new phone (to erase all your embarrassing drunk but honest text messages), you sure as hell will lose all your savings in family reunions.
Lastly, the Holidays suck because you know you’re getting old and turning into the Grinch when you’re writing an article about why the Holidays suck.